Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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