I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
FUCK WHALES
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
