I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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