Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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