i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
