Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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