i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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