I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
