So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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