Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Only a mothe r could love this liver
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
