I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Randomize
