I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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