I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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