my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
How does it feel to date your dad?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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