You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize