Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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