I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
