it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
