Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
