I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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