I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
