i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
