im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
