i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
