Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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