it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize
