I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
