if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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