Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
