halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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