party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
