You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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