U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
