Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Someone signed my nipple.
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