I will die if light touches me.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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