apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
