Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
