I met the friendliest cop last night
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
