This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
