I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
