Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
