im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
