Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I want to stick my p in your. b.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
