And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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