My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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