i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
