Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
