mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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