my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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