last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
