cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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