If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
