OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
