You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
